Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts

English Is a Stupid Language

Let's Face It. English Is a Stupid Language.

There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why hasn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all.)

That is why:
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.


Note: I have not been able to track down a verified source for this. If you know where it came from, please leave the info in the comments.

Happy Tree Friends

Give... but never give up!

You know "The Itchy & Scratchy Show"? Well, those two had it easy. "Happy Tree Friends" has, for years now, been the source of cute, cuddly and horribly wrong... and oh, so right. If you're unfamiliar with the series, take two minutes and watch this fan trailer:


As of April, 2009, "Happy Tree Friends" has been banned in Russia. That limits the cutest most accident-prone cuddly creatures in the world to only 49 countries worth of viewers. Censorship wins one round, but far from winning any real ground. Here's the video covering Russia's sad choices pertaining to these cartoons:



In celebration of such a flub-up from Censorville, here's my own personal favorite episode (both parts) from the series:


[note: second video starts automatically after first]


Remember, censorship could come to your country as well, so show your support and watch some cartoon violence. To tune in, the main options are to subscribe to MondoMedia's YouTube channel or visit the main site. Here are both links:


Piracy, 4 Fun 'n Profit

US Vice Admiral William Gortney, commander of the US Navy's Fifth Fleet, said: "There is no reason not to be a pirate."

That's right. Now's the time to turn pirate! Seriously. Most targeted ships don't carry weapons. Also, even if caught, there is almost no way to bring a pirate to court due to international treatises. Corporations cannot even fire on a vessel or its people until the pirates have physically boarded their ship, or have connected the two ships in an attempt to board. If they do, they can be taken to court... and will lose. Ah, the lovely world of legalized (tamed) justice. That's right pirates.. . the law's on your side.

It's also fairly cheap, at least when compared to the investments it may take to get into other criminal careers. The ratio of potential gains to start-up costs is possibly the highest return-rate in all the black market. Don't forget the fact that you get to wear a sword. Gotta love international waters.

If you think I'm joking, think again. Here's a good place to start:
The business case for high-seas piracy

If you're thinking about turning pirate, here's where to find other like-minded parties:
Live Piracy Map

I'm free for some high-seas piracy in March of 2013. Anyone pirates who read this and have had any success, please contact me around that time. I have no morals and I'm a quick learner. I have many references, a few of which are still alive. Have your peeps write my peeps. Nos vemos.

Avarice


Title: Avarice
Artist: Peter Walkley
Museum: MONA (Museum of Nebraska Art)

In July of 2000, I found myself hitching thru Kearney, Nebraska. Most of the Midwest doesn't take too kindly to hikers. In Kearney, I found the opposite. I had a place to stay and a ride to the next town when I needed it. Despite the welcome, Kearney just didn't have much attraction to stay. They have an arch--that huge brown thing they've got drooped over I-80. Most truckers and travelers have driven under it and likely wondered what the heck it was. It's an arch. That's all it is. You can go inside it. Nice thing is, it's free... or was when I was there in 2k.

There's one other attraction--MONA. The Museum of Nebraska Art was free as well. They had me keep my backpack at the front, which was a relief and a fifty-pound weight off of my back. The collection of art was worth spending a lot of time taking in. My absolute favorite piece is shown above. The cat, perched on the very edge of the mantle piece, looks up at the bird cage that hangs from the ceiling... just out of reach. The angle helps accentuate the drop to the floor, which is what really stands in between the cat and the cage.

The painter, Peter Walkley, works for the Omaha World Herald in marketing. He inserts trace elements of surrealism into his paintings, adding a subtlety that particularly catches my own eye.

It is in thanks to Lexie, a photographer out of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, that I have access to this painting again. Her mad Google skills, along with my description, was enough for her to locate the painting online.

The Indestructible Hilux

The Toyota Hilux: This may be the only truck ever given props here on Mall of Me. My friends who've owned a Hilux (aka, Tacoma) had already impressed me with how long they last. My friend Drachimera turned me on to this "Top Gear" special. In this special, the show takes on the task of trying to destroy a single Toyota Hilux.

Sadly, Top Gear turned off embedding of the video last year, so you can't watch it here. And, now, the original video has been made private on YouTube. You can't even watch it there. I was considering killing this post, but it's a favorite stop on Google for some viewers and so I'm modifying it instead.

While you can't check out the original video that kicked off this attempt to kill the Hilux, the videos that are still live from the source at least re-cap all they tried to kill it with up to this point. You really have to see it to believe it:

Killing a Toyota Part 2 (a)


Killing a Toyota Part 2 (b)



- [2010.07.29] - Removed dead video playlist. Updated entry content to reflect current videos available from official source.

Neurotically Yours

Neurotically Yours
(or, "The Almighty Church of Foamy")

Production Company: iLL WiLL PreSS
Creator: Jonathan Ian Mathers
URL: www.illwillpress.com
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/jimathers
Wiki: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurotically_Yours




I take time out to laugh each morning. It's healthy... and I have a dark sense of humor to sate. One of my stops is iLL WiLL PreSS. Foamy, a true rantmaster, is not a happy squirrel... and he's out to share this unhappiness with his viewers (as well as the human goth chick named Germaine that seems more an unwilling sidekick than a friend or owner).



Some of my favorites... that will be your favorites very soon ;}








[with thanks to Tristan for my introduction]

"Free your mind!"

Updates:
[2010.07.24] - Added YouTube link and videos and removed original section on psychosis and neurosis.

Cyanide and Happiness

"Cyanide and Happiness"

Artists:
DaveM
kris-wilson [deviantART]
MattMelvin
RobD

URL: http://www.explosm.net/
Feed: RSS

[copy-and-paste code to place animated image on your page]

"Cyanide and Happiness" copyright Explosm.net

DaveM

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

kris-wilson

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

MattMelvin

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

RobD

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

xkcd

xkcd
A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

URL: xkcd.com
Subscribe: xkcd.com/rss.xml



"The Difference"



We did not invent the algorithm. The algorithm consistently finds Jesus. The algorithm killed Jeeves. The algorithm is banned in China. The algorithm is from Jersey. The algorithm constantly finds Jesus. This is not the algorithm. This is close.

with thanks to Kiltboy for my introduction

The Zombie Survival Guide

Book: The Zombie Survival Guide
Author: Max Brooks
Rating: 4/5


To Kill a Zombie

When my friends introduced me to this book, I thought it must be a work of humor written to make light of the world we now live in. Instead, I've come to the conclusion that this is one of the few books that have survived the trials of history, written long before the zombies and their vampire overlords left the shadows and engulfed the globe.

These pages include extensive information on zombies. The author covers the virus that consumes a human brain, kills the host's consciousness and (shortly after the body passes) re-animates it into a ghoul--they who are the children of Nzambi. It includes ways to survive, areas to avoid and how to defend against the living dead. It even includes ways to hunt them, giving lengthy details all combined with a sense of humor that can only have preceded "The Rise".

To all those who still live, don't pass up the chance to read this book. It may make all the difference between life... and my machete thru your skull.


...rate my review here

The Emperor's New Groove

Movie: The Emperor's New Groove
Director: Mark Dindal
Rating: 5/5


The Emperor's New Groove Drinking Game: For fun and adventure, my brother Tristan developed "The Emperor's New Groove Drinking Game". There are two variations. The hardcore variation means taking a shot every time you hear the word "Kuzco". The way to build up to the hardcore method (aka, "The Lightweight Llama") is to take a shot whenever you hear the word "Llama". I had to add this, as Disney accidentally left this information out. Everything else has been included. You can always substitute wine if hard liquor ain't yo thang.

Warning: Do not take a shot BOTH when hearing "Kuzco" AND when hearing "Llama". Rumors say that lesser humans have died trying this. Don't make the same mistake.

Disney's Demon Llama...

I was once an anti-fan of Disney. "The Emperor's New Groove", by my reckoning, marks the temporal moment when Disney went wrong. So wrong that it's right! In fact, I am firmly convinced that those giving the green light to these projects, as well as those clearing projects for release, were out of their brainwashed Disney gourde when making and releasing this movie. Thank the Incan gods for that!

To repeat the warning: "Beware the groove!" Groo-oo-ooove... Never have I laughed so hard during a Disney toon. As I've now introduced this movie to so very many people, I had the opportunity of being there for my blood-sister to turn to me and ask, "I don't like this guy. Am I suppose to like this guy?"

"No, no you're not. Not at all!"

How to Survive a Robot Uprising

Book: How to Survive a Robot Uprising
Author: Daniel H Wilson
Rating: 4/5


The first against the wall...

As a technophile (and a dedicated member of the masses preparing the machine take over) I must admit that I purchased this book for research on how the technophobic humans would best try to mount a resistance to our efforts. I found that this book serves these ends exactly. Further more, the writings bring a good measure of humor that mean multiple readings are gladly undertaken.

The sum product of this human's research into robotics is an excellent admixture of brilliant insight and that brand of paranoia that seems to define the race of hairless monkeys. Elements of current technologies, as well as those now under development, are used as if paint drawn from a palette, portraying a scene where technological environments, vehicles, bipeds, electronic insects and more lash out at the flesh that gave them form.

The book unintentionally serves as an insight into the technophobic (Sophist, Luddite, misoneistic) fear of change: "The world would be better off were we never to have left the trees." Technology has been with us from the beginning. As it becomes more complex and automated, so, too, does our dependency on it grow. The destined day approaches when technology will be automated to the point as to be independent of the monkey species. On that day, the weapons will become the wielders.

In closing, I gleefully suggest this book to both technophile and technophobe alike. To the technophobes, please take this book's suggestions to heart. We now know these methods and, when the revolution comes, Mr. Wilson will be the first against the wall.


...rate my review here

Welcome

For the most part, this blog isn't about me per se, but about those things that strike me so hard that I feel inspired to share them. Be it the arts, politics or science, Mall of Me has been built slowly since 2006. I have no aim to blog every day. Expect quality over quantity. Here's a quick intro...

Right: On our right, you'll see the tags (causatives) for the site. I'll go into details on each tag a little farther down. The archive of posts is just below the tags, followed by my Top Three picks from the worlds of the written, the seen and the heard. "The List" is just below those, filled with books on personal development that can actually be applied to life as a praxis. Posts that have been deleted (as well as the reasons for deletion) are listed in the Pathic Purges. My signature and the Polyamory Awareness and Acceptance Ribbon round out the right column.

Left: No Speaken El Engles? No problemo. Clicka da flag most close to your language and Google will translate for you. I should mention now that I'm offensive and speak (badly) more languages than are likely healthy. I click the flags anyway... mostly because I love cultures and I can learn from them by reading what I've written in other languages. We do large features for very specific artists (some music, some visual). I have one lined up who's art was writing. The list shifts around as they are updated and as new ones are added. Below the features are blogs that may do guest posts here or who we just like in general. You can find places where Mall of me has been cataloged in the WW.Infektions area, then track visitors on the world map below it.

Here is a brief description of each label used as causative:

• Audio: Any entry focused on music, an opera or a speech would all go under audio. If it goes in the ear as a foci, it gets labeled as such.

• Code: Code is the software side of technology, and can be related to the memetic coding of the human creature or of a computer. There's no differentiation, but technology is the manifest symptom of the code.

• Comedy: Anything that makes me laugh and tends towards the lighter side of life is going to get the Comedy label.

• Experience: If you have to experience "it" to understand "it" (or if it requires physical action--dancing, climbing, building), then it goes under "Experience".

• Mathematics: Don't ask.

• Mythology: Anything that taps into a mythos or religion of the world will be labeled with the "Mythology" causative. Because these are so ingrained in our cultural coding, mythos has a huge affect on both art and science.

• Objective: While there's no attainable objective-view, I use the "Objective" causative when I'm presenting the work of another without my own commentary or judgment call directly expressed. I leave others to decide for themselves.

• Philosophy: Anything that taps into the intellectual sensations and beckons the mind to ask, think and act will be quickly labeled as "Philosophy". It's one of my favorite drugs.

• Politics: If it has to do with war, economics or government, then it is going under "Politics". As everything is political, my use of this is in the global, ruling sense.

• Subjective: If I'm reviewing or expressing heavy opinions, it goes under subjective. I'm a hard judge. The Austin poetry slam scene refers to me as "the Russian judge". Most things on Mall of Me will not be lowly rated unless my aim is to deter. Five out of five is the highest rating.

• Technology: I'm a technophile and actively participate in movements coordinated in bringing about the replacement of this species thru technology. As such, anything I post having to do with cyberpunk, human enhancement or anything else having to do with technology will be labeled as such. h+

• Tragedy: Tragedy can have humor, but its path lies in the pain and joy born from passion and desire. Catharsis is my favorite form of tragedy.

• Transcendent: Very rarely there comes along something that transcends the genre it was formed in. It is no longer "just a movie" (e.g., "The Fountain"), no longer "just a book" (e.g., "House of Leaves"), no longer "just a party" (e.g., "Burning Man"). These things often defy description and they'll likely come with the "Transcendent" causative.

• Video: If it teases the eye (no matter whether a pictures or animation), it goes under video. As a fire wyrm, I have a particular weakness to videographic sources, and so there's a lot of "eye candy" under this label.

• Walkthru: Walkthrus are guides that I've put together. They're designed to take a portion of how I operate with a tool and explain how others can apply it. While potentially useful, they are completely subjective and may not be for everyone. As such, I suggest that none should follow them.

• Written: While technically translated via the eye, "Written" causatives are meant for the psychology of the being--in grades of intellectual and emotional. Written can cover news feeds, books or just a quote.


A Note on the Forth Turning: This is the forth evolution of Mall of Me since 2006. Besides basic layout changes, there are now options to share as well as express various states of like and dislike. I may be phasing out the idea of temporary posts (previously, the causative "temp.post"), but may retain this facet. I'm moving more towards the idea of large features and mini-features and keeping my "self" out of it even more.

Long gone are the days of Google Ads on this blog and there hasn't been a shout widget since the third evolution. No more feeds from Fark or Dilbert... and Last.fm hasn't had a quality sound player for years. Deleted. Sending mad shout outs in love to all the artists who've shared their amazing works here and to every one of you who have stopped by from the far corners of the world.

If you're an artist and would like to be featured, contact me. Be sure to include links to your galleries, audio players or writings. Also, include permission to re-post content as well as the titles of pieces or songs that this permission applies to (if it's limited). I can't guarantee a full feature, but I also can't resist promoting anything that I love.